moving forward

i remember quite well when you left me.  at first i was in denial- that it was just one of those many petty quarrels that we had, that all would be well after a week or two.  but, it has been several months now that we have not and dared not patch those differences.  the first few days were OK but as weeks passed by, the pain started to kill me that i thought life would finally be knocked out of me. 

october proved to be my month of sleepless days, as i should be awake at nights…

november found me on my knees, with eyes closed and head bowed to the ground as i did not have the strength to stand up and walk away…

december seems hopeful for i can now smile and laugh as well as feel the joy and warmth that they bring my spirit…

i’m finding my way back to where and who i was before i met you. i am now the jolly and sweet candy that you have made bitter with your cold heart.  friends now call me “pokpok ” as i am back to the flirty old me.  i’ve regained the confidence that you mercilessly took away. i have met someone who has rekindled my interest in romance, which is kinda odd because her friend told me that  she is soon to be married but when i asked her, she denied all of those saying that she didn’t even have a boyfriend.  this has put me in a rather confusing situation because i am in a tug of war with indecisions- too proud to ask her out and too tired to struggle with what i feel about her.

she is “mataray”, which is why i grew interested of her.  she used to be just one of my teammates, another girl-next-door type but, hell broke loose when she angrily confronted me about my usual funny charades at the agent room.  she’s the first person to tame my temper, as joy have taunted me “mura daw kog itoy nga nagpamitok ang mga mata”.  jho advised that if she cannot be pursued, she will likely be a good friend.

i will not make the same mistake again.  i am taking my time now, building a foundation from a casual friendship.  i may not be upfront and frank about how i feel about her; i actually am not sure if what i feel is love, admiration or mere fascination.  one thing i’m sure of is i’ve met my match, my emotions are in a turmoil everytime she’s near.  i’m nasty and loud when i’m around friends but silent and meek when i face her.  i finally know how it is when you want to say something to somebody but you feel as if your throat has run dry and words just could not come out of your mouth. 

moreso, the hurt that you have made me feel is fading.  the scars are now healing.  i just hope that those have not made me feel jaded about what love is, about what loving truly means.  and my wish is that she will be the one to finally mend my broken heart.

protracted war

MSU main campus breathed alive the word INDEPENDENCE for me.  the halls of PLH, an exlusive for girl scholars dormitory were witnesses of my lonely metamorphosis from a trusting 15-year old wide-eyed child to a college freshman who learned to sleep alone in bed and one who managed to handwash for fear of running out of decent clothes to wear. 

i met countless friends, kuyas, ates , frat darbs and xis, and comrades during my 3years of stay on MSU- PLH and 3 other cottages.  i attended christian group gatherings every chance that i got, made good friends with Accounting and Aggie Eng’rng classmates, shared sleepless nights with the MSU AMO family and struggled in the streets with LFS comrades. 

i am the woman i am today, based on principles and beliefs, because of the colorful experiences that i have had that commenced in MSU.

among those experiences were my brief stay with trade union rallyists and KMP activists as well as my 6-month countryside integration where i ate, slept and studied with revolutionaries.  every morning, i had to climb hills so that i could take a refreshing bath in natural springs;  every meal time was a reason to celebrate unity, equality and life itself; everynight, we trekked the slopes on tiptoes so as to change posts for security purposes. 

it was on those hills that i felt closest to nature.  those days and nights proved to me that one thing leads to another and everything is interrelated.  criticism and self-criticism opened my eyes to bittersweet opportunities to better myself including my perception of other people as well as outlook in life.  it was during those times that i realized things will always stay as they are unless we choose to stand up and make the tiniest of voices matter. 

i celebrated my debut there…  what made it remarkable was the unselfish act of the “masa ” to cook a “dumalaga” as the only food preparation on that memorable day.  that act put in practice the idea of sacrificing one’s self for others.   to dedicate one’s life for the upliftment of the condition of the masses requires determination, patience, courage, hard work and heart. a heart that conquers all odds, that accepts failure as a stepping stone to success, a heart that beats in a protracted motion.

i say protracted because the war that i support wheels slowly but not necessarily smoothly.  it may experience loopholes but what matters is that we are not dogmatic, we are open to criticize the imperfections that we see in ourselves and in others so that we can construct a better if not perfect world that is a product of one final war.  a war which endgame may not be realized in my lifetime, an idealism which started before i was born, a struggle which i partake through writing…

an open letter

i can still recall vividly when i first received a text from you.  i was lonely and lonesome for the only true friend that i had just passed away.  we had sleepless nights together on opposite sides of the province; texting till dawn broke. 

you came just when i needed someone to pour my heart out to; you brought me back to my feet when i started to doubt myself. 

we had so many plans- you and i.  but, we also had big differences that seemed irreconcilable.  our paternal ancestral house was a witness to our first eb. my relatives accepted you as one of our own but, your family felt the opposite. 

our prides were greater than our love.  it hurt the most when i could see you slowly drifting away and i know i caused you a lot of pain when i vented out my frustrations on you.  i made you the center of my universe- my world revolved around you that i started to feel broken and in pieces when we were not together. i would throw tantrums and easily lose my temper, making you wish you hadn’t bothered to see me.  i was a silent witness to your tears because even though the sorry word wanted to jump out of my throat, i could not bring myself to terms that i was at fault and you were not.

indecisions, immaturity and pride killed what little love you had left for me. it has been more than a week that we last saw each other, which parting proved disastrous.i exploded at the least provocation and you walked out on me again.

i had a lot of thinking during this last week as i spent most of my days-off alone. 

your birthday nears… and i’m walking away.   i wish you hadn’t met me. i wish i had the power of undoing the mistakes in our past, but i am just human as we all are.  if only i could backtrack my steps, i’d make it so that i could pick up the shattered glasses that made your heart bleed.  if i could hug you one last time and tell you that i’m happy for you as you have matured a year more.

but  i’m walking away as everything i touch becomes damaged.  i’m taking the first step away from where we used to be so that in time, i can be whole again and it would be sweet if i can still find you there when my heart beats anew.

happy birthday…

LIFE’s SIMILEs & METAPHORs

the FRUIT of LIFE

the COCONUT is edible and a source of livelihood from roots to leaves thus, coined the TREE of LIFE .

it’s ROOTS are used for manufacturing beverages, dyes, oral care and medicine for dysentry.

it’s TRUNK is used as wood for infrastructure and furniture as well as resources for paper and a habitat for other living things.

the BRANCHES can be used as switch (read: pamalo para sa mga pinapalo!  heheh).

LEAVES can be used for roofing, weaving mats, making quality paper, brooms, hats, trays, waster baskets, fans, decors, shades, bags, cooking skewers, kindling arrows, producing lime from burnt ashes.

it’s FRUITS are oftentimes used for as ingridient for salad, halo-halo, sweets and pastries.

the MEAT can be used fresh or dried for flour, desiccated coco, milk, chips, candies, copra and animal feeds.

WATER provides isotonic electrolyte balance for nutrition.  from it, we can manufacture vinegar, wine, laxative, a substitute for dextrose and a cure for renal disorders.

MILK is used to produce virgin coconut oil and as a common ingredient in many tropical cuisines.

the OIL is used in cooking, medicines, cosmetics and as replacement for fuel.

the APICAL BUD (ubod ba!) is used as an appetizer and a salad ingredient.

INFLORESENCE produces fresh beverage, alcoholic beverage (tuba), vinegar, sugar and yeast.

the HUSKS are used to make ropes, mats, brushes and boats as well as good for stuffing fiber and bunot.

SHELLS are most saleable household products and fashion accessories.

the SOCIETY

CULTURE has been called “the way of life for an entire society” thus as a summation, it refers to tradition and religion:this includes the usual pattern of living as it has been handed down from generation to generation, as it starts with the family and escalates as one ventures into the outside world for formal education and livelihood

POLITICS uses the concept of “reward your friends and punish your enemies”.

it pertains to the law of the land:
    this is otherwise known as the rule by which tradition and religion are executed or carried out.
    if you abide by it, you are cosidered an ally and rewarded.
    if one opposes it, he/she is punished through persecution by the public or the government
in other words, it refers to the seat of power.

ECONOMY is the realized management of the society’s resources which output are  services and goods.
whoever controls the seat of power dictates the method by which society’s valuables are tapped for production and distribution

in other words, ECONOMY’s terms are dictated by those who have the POLITICAL WILL to dictate the NORMS of the society.

the SOCIETY is like the fruit of life, the COCONUT.

to wit;

the HUSK is the CULTURE that wraps and conditions the minds of the society to conform to the regulations that the LAW of the land dictates.
    it moulds the minds of the people that a certain practice/s is acceptable and civil

the SHELL is the POLITICS that protects the coconut meat thus, controlling the economy of the land
    it must be hacked so that the distribution of a society’s wealth will be regulated

the MEAT is the ECONOMY that feeds a family and sustain’s the society’s welfare and development
    society owns it,
    society manufactures it, thus
    society must reap the fruit of it’s toil!

PHILIPPINE SOCIETY in relevance to the TREE of LIFE

the philippine society is on the verge of madness.  the people, which inherent rights to live and to better themselves, are at the bottom of the pyramid while those who are on top are only a tiny percentage of the population.  those at the middle, who oppose the tyranny of the rich are near collapse by which sooner than they expect, will join those at the bottom.  but, those who choose to kiss ass are slowly gaining their way up the ladder. 

the Filipino people, also known as the masses, are the ones who tap our natural reasources greatly contributing to the production, manufacture and delivery of food, commodities and services. but very rarely do they get justly compensated, if at all.  at a young age, the filipino awakes at sunrise to walk barefoot and survey the paradox of nature’s blessings.  the boy joins his “tatay at nanay” in planting rice which field is owned by Don Haciendero.  the family’s daily toil is not sufficient for food and other basic commodities.  their debts to the Haciendero family pile up as years go by that even the child’s education is just a distant dream.  the boy soon grows up to be a “tatay” himself and their family succumbs to poverty, generation by generation, while Don Haciendero’s heirs fly to foreign lands to be educated with the ways of the world. 

that is how a farmer’s life is depicted in teleserye’s and teleradyo’s but this isn’t so far from reality as it is happening at present.  even in history books, farmers are mere tenants to the capitalists’ haciendas as an irony to where life begun- Adam and Eve being conjugal stewards of earth’s abundance. sons and daughters who were fortunate enough to inherit land end up trading such to work in plantations to suffice for first world contries’ needs for raw materials.

education manipulates the minds of the children, whose parents are able to provide for such needs, to be accustomed to such sad plight of the masses.  religion teaches the dogma of the patriarch-that the voice of whoever leads the family is authoritarian.  at home starts the passive upbringing of the society- that the child must listen in total respect and pure obedience to what his elders will say, with no concensus.  when they decide to protest the oppressive system that the “powers that be” claim to have been “created by and for the filipinos”, they are bushwhacked by the police and military who swore to “protect and to serve the filipinos”. 

those who were brave enough are and will be put behind bars or buried on shallow graves with no tombstones. 

consider these- are they not the filipinos which the philippine government swore to protect and to serve?  are they not worthy of partaking in the fruit of their labor? are they not  who the constitution was penned for?

simply put, the majority of filipinos has the least voice in this present state of chaos and poverty.

shall you turn your backs on them? will you turn a blind eye even if you see them murdered in cold blood?  shall you not hear their pitiful and anguished screams for justice?  shall you turn a deaf ear when their bellies crumble of hunger? 

it’s about time to re-educate ourselves- that whoever has life has a voice that must be listened to.

it’s time to grab that bolo and start peeling the coconut husk away. 

moreso, it’s high time to whack the coconut shell to get to the meat, to finally be equal with those who we sit , stand and walk beside with.

baby shane’s initiation rites

For three straight days, the Arellano compound reverberated with joyous glee in preparation and celebration of Pauleen Shane’s baptism.  It was a “bayanihan” effort on the paternal and maternal relatives as well as friends so as to make baby Shane’s initiation to the Roman Catholic Church memorable.

Aunts and Uncles toiled overnight to make hasty arrangements for Sunday noon’s “salo-salo” following the celebration of the first Catholic Sacrament.

Like me, other compound tenants were not able to do their weekend laundry because the area dedicated to such home task was designated as the cooking (and drinking area) but, it was all worth it.  To be a part of such religious and traditional undertaking is in itself a pride and a belief-renewing experience.

Who would think that in the middle of a very urbanized place, in people’s hearts still burn the “bayanihan” spirit?  What could be more envigorating than a whole compound putting their works and worries aside to join in the baptism festivities of a baby catholic?

It was as if life itself paused for a moment to help pave the Catholic road for a young lady.

By grace, baby Shane’s baptism removed the guilt and effects of Adam and Eve’s fall and incorporated her to Christ’s Body on earth.

From here, she still has a life-long pledge to finish the other six sacraments which are Confirmation, Holy Communion, Confession, Marriage, Holy Orders, and the Anointing of the Sick.

On the other hand, the “bayanihan” efforts of her clan and neighbors profess their willingness to help raise and nurture this child.  At the child’s early age, she has been a medium of unity for her family and friends by bringing them together at this once in a lifetime wondrous occasion.

May they (me included!  ehehe) continue to be there as the child cocoons out to become a beautiful butterfly of a Catholic woman.

To the baby’s parents, Buboy and Shiela, congatulations for having your youngest princess be born again by being immersed in water in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.