moving forward

i remember quite well when you left me.  at first i was in denial- that it was just one of those many petty quarrels that we had, that all would be well after a week or two.  but, it has been several months now that we have not and dared not patch those differences.  the first few days were OK but as weeks passed by, the pain started to kill me that i thought life would finally be knocked out of me. 

october proved to be my month of sleepless days, as i should be awake at nights…

november found me on my knees, with eyes closed and head bowed to the ground as i did not have the strength to stand up and walk away…

december seems hopeful for i can now smile and laugh as well as feel the joy and warmth that they bring my spirit…

i’m finding my way back to where and who i was before i met you. i am now the jolly and sweet candy that you have made bitter with your cold heart.  friends now call me “pokpok ” as i am back to the flirty old me.  i’ve regained the confidence that you mercilessly took away. i have met someone who has rekindled my interest in romance, which is kinda odd because her friend told me that  she is soon to be married but when i asked her, she denied all of those saying that she didn’t even have a boyfriend.  this has put me in a rather confusing situation because i am in a tug of war with indecisions- too proud to ask her out and too tired to struggle with what i feel about her.

she is “mataray”, which is why i grew interested of her.  she used to be just one of my teammates, another girl-next-door type but, hell broke loose when she angrily confronted me about my usual funny charades at the agent room.  she’s the first person to tame my temper, as joy have taunted me “mura daw kog itoy nga nagpamitok ang mga mata”.  jho advised that if she cannot be pursued, she will likely be a good friend.

i will not make the same mistake again.  i am taking my time now, building a foundation from a casual friendship.  i may not be upfront and frank about how i feel about her; i actually am not sure if what i feel is love, admiration or mere fascination.  one thing i’m sure of is i’ve met my match, my emotions are in a turmoil everytime she’s near.  i’m nasty and loud when i’m around friends but silent and meek when i face her.  i finally know how it is when you want to say something to somebody but you feel as if your throat has run dry and words just could not come out of your mouth. 

moreso, the hurt that you have made me feel is fading.  the scars are now healing.  i just hope that those have not made me feel jaded about what love is, about what loving truly means.  and my wish is that she will be the one to finally mend my broken heart.