the story of us

people say i’m transparent- that my eyes and actions always give me away but with you, my emotions go haywire. i know you get me, i know that you feel me through the things that i don’t do or say. iloveyou, i really do but the wall we built between us is the reason why i always walk away and no matter how much i want to look back and stare into those fragile eyes of yours, i always end up sending the wrong signals. i wanna love you the way you’ve never been loved but i can’t break through this stonewall. i swear, i’d do right by you if you’d only let me- if you’d just let your guard down.

look my way, look through me and see my heart as it beats only for you.

heartbeat

iloveyou, i still do but i’ve to keep it all inside. i can’t even tell my friends about what i still feel for you coz they’d just roll their eyes and say “here we go again”… whenever they ask me how i’m doing these days, i always have to fake a smile or two. at times when i see you, i’ve to look the other way and even if sadness of not having you by my side kills me, i’ve to act jolly and crack jokes for them not to see that my heart still beats and longs for you. there are times when our eyes met that i truly wanna smile at you but im afraid that you’d see how much i still care for you. my heart is torn to pieces coz i know for a fact that i’d always be the invisible one for you. you just don’t know how much it hurts when you talk about somebody else, each time you do this i wish the earth would crack open and eat me up that way you won’t see me close my eyes to stop my tears from falling.

iloveyou more than anybody else does- this i know. but you’ve chosen to ignore it. all i can do is wish you well, wish you the love that you truly deserve. i know i’ll get over you, that in time, i’ll get through this but for the meantime, let me continue loving you. let me keep you in my heart for you are the only reason that it still beats.

from this day on, i vow to be a better person. i will strive to better the imperfect me and when i come out of the fire as polished as i can be, i hope that you’d finally get to see me.

for now, i’m just taking all the hurt a heartbeat at a time.

capital punishment for drug mules

prayer vigils were held across the country and even P-Noy thru the VP requested his China counterpart to stay the execution of 3 filipino convicted drug mules last March 30th. all to no avail…

i don’t personally know the  people involved but my heart goes out for them and their families…moreso, i bleed for the ones whose lives have been wrecked because of the drugs that they have willingly or unwillingly transported.

i am all for human rights especially the right to life but i carry a slogan in my heart that says: one’s rights end where another’s rights begin.when one uses drugs, he not only destroys himself but he also forever leaves a scar  on the lives of family, friends and even on people he doesn’t know. i had been a silent witness to my mother’s suffering because of a brother’s drug problems- one of the reasons why she died of a broken heart. our lives changed 2 decades ago when my brother had a nervous breakdown because of drug abuse and until now, i still feel the pain…

i admire china’s drug policy. prohibited drugs push people to kill, rape and rob thus a harsh punishment should be meted out to people who capitalize on such. i am sorry if a lot of you will oppose this but i believe that a similar drug policy should also be enforced in our country!

it’s similar to what a surgeon does to stop the spread of cancer- to surgically pluck out the sources of the deadly disease.

Here and now…

We’ve recently been shocked by the giant magnitude of the quake that hit Japan and the corresponding aftermath. It hit close to home- what’s been prophesized are happening all around us. No matter how we try to keep ourselves as comfortable and safe as we can, what’s supposed to happen will happen- all in God’s time. The present catastrophies that envelope the world will reach the realm of darkness-perdition thru persecution which only a few will remain steadfast in their faith.

What’s happening in our midst is just a bit part of the world’s cleansing so instead of succumbing to panic and wasting time hanging on to worldly possessions,let us ready ourselves and our loved ones for the greatest battle mankind is yet to face-the battle to cleanse itself of all forms of evil; a struggle that should be pursued in the here and now…

encounters

(published: may 31, 2010)

since i was a kid, i had been experiencing things that were of ghastly nature. growing up, i shared a room with my ma since i couldn’t sleep on my own.  she would at times ask me why all of a sudden i would be jolted awake.  i could only answer that it was as if i fell down from floating in the air.  i would also, out of nowhere, say that i could smell an “ayok” (surigaonon term for a creature that feeds on humans). ma would just stay silent- she would neither reprimand nor encourage me.

being the youngest and the only rose, i would be tasked to wash the dishes after dinner. after doing so, i would run from switching all the lights off in the washing, cooking and dining areas of the house to the living room.  i could feel that somebody was running close behind, that my hairs at my nape were all standing up! all of these i had to endure for about 2 decades.

when i was sent off to college, i’d never bathe in the cubicles when nobody else was around coz i had this unexplainable feeling that when i open my eyes, i would see somebody else with me.  late at night, i would sing christian songs in my mind to lull myself to sleep. my eyes opened wide when another voice, also in my head, joined me. when i confided to my roomate, she said that maybe He wanted to assure me that “He will make a way, when there seems to be no way”…

during my 6-month countryside integration before my debut, i went to this hilltop area wherein there really weren’t plenty of comfort rooms, you just had to relax yourself and to answer nature’s call behind bushes.  while doing so, i looked back and i saw this tiny “nipa” hut which door was opened but i could not see anything past it coz it seemed so dark inside.  when i went back to the house where we were staying, i could smell delicious food being cooked somewhere else.  i then jokingly asked the hostess if their neighbor were inviting us for dinner later. she was surprised and said that the next house was in another barangay, that you would still have to go down the slope, cross a river and climb another mountain.  i just smiled and shrugged it all off.

when i went home to surigao to continue my college education, i had to rent a room for convenience.  i would be pasing time lying in bed and out of nowhere, a male voice would call out my name.  i’d simply go out of my room and stay in the sala to avoid that experience being repeated.  after ma’s retirement, we went home to her hometown and this time, that voice was that of my brother.

after ma died, the water in the washing machine tub turned bloody or muddy even though the bedsheet that was soaked was used only for the 24-hour period that was required before a body gets embalmed. when my maternal cousin came to inspect it, the water was clear.  i could also smell flowers when i hung the clothes to dry.  when we were about to sleep after the last night of prayers, we were all camped in the living room when we heard the dishes being thrown and broken. we all closed our eyes hoping that light will soon come.  ma’s sister then inspected the round table first thing in the morning and found that the kitchen and dining utencils were all arranged the way we left them the previous night.

after i went to manila, things were normal again but went haywire when i started reading yourghoststories.com.  one midshift, i was waiting for an elevator ride. i was on break then. while waiting for the elevator, i noticed a dark silhouette of a woman who passed by me into the locker area. i was focused on the floor but then, i alarmingly looked up coz i did not notice the elevator door to open. it’s as if she floated through the door.  also, my workstation kept rebooting even if i was simply typing to notate the necessary things that my caller was saying. i stopped going to the website and things calmed down.

i currently rent a bedspace and my bunk is on the second deck.   while grooming myself in front of the mirror, i could see a reflection of a woman-child staring at me from the foot of my bed. she wasn’t angry or anything, she was just merely watching me.  right now, a huge stuffed toy (which i named tiny) is lying on that part of the bed. just the other afternoon, i asked my landlady’s niece if her uncle was in the other room because i could see a man with his back  turned against me, walking around half-naked. it turned out that she was also having dreams of her long-deceased grandfather.

these and more things had been happening to me. i would not shout for fear that these spirits or creatures would get mad at me so even if my heart races and palpitates, i would simply stare, smell and run away.  i also have this mole in my left eye, which friends and close relative attribute these experiences to.  i don’t mind them, just as long as no harm comes to me.